Moments when a piece of entertainment completely lost you.

PhoneLobster · Post by **PhoneLobster** » Thu Jul 02, 2009 12:04 am

Make sure the two main romantic leads have no particular likable character traits. They should simply fall in love for no reason if you can make the moment they suddenly declare/realize their affections as jarring as possible then you get bonus points.

You definitely want dialog like "I love you, even though you've only ever been mean to me and once strangled my dog!", "And I love you too, even though you look like a blond wig on a stick, dislike everything I've ever shown interest in and have demonstrated no observable character traits of any kind let alone good ones!"

Well OK, maybe you want punchier dialog than that, but you get the idea.

Because it seems to me that romantic comedies have become a largely ceremonial art form that is now permitted to simply make the assumption that nominated leads love each other and are in any way lovable.

It's so bad that it's infecting the romantic sub plots of other crappy films. Vin Diesel I'm looking at you! That moment in Babylon AD was fucking hilarious.

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Thu Jul 02, 2009 12:04 am

Count_Arioch_the_28th wrote:I've been thinking of writing a romance novel parody. I was organizing those things at work and reading the backs, and it seems that the really bad ones are practically mad-libs. I was going to a parody called "The Biology Major's Reluctant Mistress" with a picture of me on the cover with an atractive woman looking t me in vague disgust.

It will be a tale of how an eccentric college student woos this beautiful woman, then she drops him for an attractive dolt. The parody would be that it would be true to real life.

I'm sure the cover picture would be easy to obtain, too.

Lago PARANOIA · Post by **Lago PARANOIA** » Thu Jul 02, 2009 12:27 am

PhoneLobster wrote:Make sure the two main romantic leads have no particular likable character traits. They should simply fall in love for no reason if you can make the moment they suddenly declare/realize their affections as jarring as possible then you get bonus points.

You definitely want dialog like "I love you, even though you've only ever been mean to me and once strangled my dog!", "And I love you too, even though you look like a blond wig on a stick, dislike everything I've ever shown interest in and have demonstrated no observable character traits of any kind let alone good ones!"

You're in luck, PhoneLobster, someone already wrote what you described. Not only that, it was made into a totally awesome movie series! Check it out!

George Lucas wrote: "I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth." Anakin purred awkwardly, sporting a totally enormous boner underneath his Jedi robes almost--but not quite--big enough to choke a Jawa.

"I killed them! I killed them all! And not just the men, but the women! And the children, too!" Anakin broke his screech just long enough to grin naughtily and waggle his tongue. "And I liked it."

Losing her will to livingly, Padme thought to herself: "OMFG how could a man who was blatantly advocating for a dictatorship and killed children could've killed younglings?! I've lost the will to live! Blehhhh!" Padme then died of a broken heart, remaining on this mortal coil just long enough to experience the sensation of soiling herself.

Best romance story. EVER.

Lago PARANOIA · Post by **Lago PARANOIA** » Thu Jul 02, 2009 2:19 am

You know what, I really hate the 'I just watched it for the robots and explosions' argument.

There's no reason why Transformers couldn't have been a good movie, but because you people go 'as long as it shows Optimus Prime, it's cool', you will continue to be served crap with some M&Ms in it.

I mean, if you just wanted to see explosions and big robots, you could pretty much put ANYTHING in the movie and people will still say that they liked it as long as you should Optimus Prime fucking a human girl. Why should we justify such laziness?

ubernoob · Post by **ubernoob** » Thu Jul 02, 2009 2:22 am

Lago PARANOIA wrote:You know what, I really hate the 'I just watched it for the robots and explosions' argument.

There's no reason why Transformers couldn't have been a good movie, but because you people go 'as long as it shows Optimus Prime, it's cool', you will continue to be served crap with some M&Ms in it.

I mean, if you just wanted to see explosions and big robots, you could pretty much put ANYTHING in the movie and people will still say that they liked it as long as you should Optimus Prime fucking a human girl. Why should we justify such laziness?

You watch movies like that for the same reason you play 4E. Have a shared experience with your friends without thinking too hard.

Lago PARANOIA · Post by **Lago PARANOIA** » Thu Jul 02, 2009 2:28 am

You watch movies like that for the same reason you play 4E. Have a shared experience with your friends without thinking too hard.

I enjoyed spending time with my friends, not the system. If I could enjoy the system more because of better writing or, hell, play something else that would be even better.

ubernoob · Post by **ubernoob** » Thu Jul 02, 2009 5:46 am

Lago PARANOIA wrote:
You watch movies like that for the same reason you play 4E. Have a shared experience with your friends without thinking too hard.
I enjoyed spending time with my friends, not the system. If I could enjoy the system more because of better writing or, hell, play something else that would be even better.

Yes, but what's important is that it's mentally EASY entertainment, not that it's good.

cthulhu · Post by **cthulhu** » Thu Jul 02, 2009 6:01 am

ubernoob wrote:
Lago PARANOIA wrote:You know what, I really hate the 'I just watched it for the robots and explosions' argument.

There's no reason why Transformers couldn't have been a good movie, but because you people go 'as long as it shows Optimus Prime, it's cool', you will continue to be served crap with some M&Ms in it.

I mean, if you just wanted to see explosions and big robots, you could pretty much put ANYTHING in the movie and people will still say that they liked it as long as you should Optimus Prime fucking a human girl. Why should we justify such laziness?
You watch movies like that for the same reason you play 4E. Have a shared experience with your friends without thinking too hard.

Sure, but I could just watch the DVD of the first one and have the same experince, except it would be better. If I'm paying money, movie better be good.

ubernoob · Post by **ubernoob** » Thu Jul 02, 2009 6:28 am

cthulhu wrote:
ubernoob wrote:
Lago PARANOIA wrote:You know what, I really hate the 'I just watched it for the robots and explosions' argument.

There's no reason why Transformers couldn't have been a good movie, but because you people go 'as long as it shows Optimus Prime, it's cool', you will continue to be served crap with some M&Ms in it.

I mean, if you just wanted to see explosions and big robots, you could pretty much put ANYTHING in the movie and people will still say that they liked it as long as you should Optimus Prime fucking a human girl. Why should we justify such laziness?
You watch movies like that for the same reason you play 4E. Have a shared experience with your friends without thinking too hard.
Sure, but I could just watch the DVD of the first one and have the same experince, except it would be better. If I'm paying money, movie better be good.

Good point.

Prak · Post by **Prak** » Thu Jul 02, 2009 6:58 am

see, for me, the important thing with a movie is that it entertains me. I went into TF2 expecting it to be horrible, not even mildly entertaining, I was pleasantly surprised when it did actually entertain me. Did I like all of the characters? No, I hated the twins and Leo, and that wanna-be joker from Sector 7 in TF1 was very grating. The frequent bits of romance were extremely annoying, but that's because I'm a lonesome grognard. The point is that it entertained me, surprisingly, and I got to see it for free, so far.

koz · Post by **koz** » Thu Jul 02, 2009 9:57 am

To be honest, TF2 was two-odd hours of my life I want back. The movie failed on just about every count you could name - the characters blew, the plotline blew, the pacing blew, heck, the entire movie was one colossal wet dream from someone who's watched too much mecha-related anime, thought he could do a better job, failed miserably, and then drowned his work in his own semen.

What I don't understand is why everyone seems to think it's worth seeing - I've watched some VERY mindless action films and liked them, but this... this was something I honestly don't see the value of at all.

Fuchs · Post by **Fuchs** » Thu Jul 02, 2009 11:29 am

Most movie threads I read about TF2 just state "It's got Megan Fox" as the reason to watch the movie.

Parthenon · Post by **Parthenon** » Thu Jul 02, 2009 5:22 pm

Nah, Megan Fox isn't worth going to see it. Maybe I'm just weird, but I can see actual naked women on the internet when I want to. Surely if you want to see Transformers because of Megan you're better off getting it on DVD so you can straight up wank over it rather than get thrown out of the cinema halfway through?

Hell, by now there are probably some Megan Fox look-a-likes making porn that you can get hold of. Heh, how about that as a film. Two or three Fox look-a-likes having sex while playing with Transformers toys with occasional cuts to large explosions.

I think the best use of Transformers 2 is to buy it on DVD when it goes cheap and watch it with your friends and mock it all the way through, laughing loudly. Me and a couple of friends recently had a huge amount of fun doing that with the Core, one of the worst pieces of shit masquerading as a scifi movie.

zeruslord · Post by **zeruslord** » Thu Jul 02, 2009 5:26 pm

My AP Physics class watched that after the test. We had to answer questions about just how wrong they got it. The very first line out of the physics professor hero is bad science.

Maxus · Post by **Maxus** » Thu Jul 02, 2009 5:28 pm

Parthenon wrote:Nah, Megan Fox isn't worth going to see it. Maybe I'm just weird, but I can see actual naked women on the internet when I want to. Surely if you want to see Transformers because of Megan you're better off getting it on DVD so you can straight up wank over it rather than get thrown out of the cinema halfway through?

Hell, by now there are probably some Megan Fox look-a-likes making porn that you can get hold of. Heh, how about that as a film. Two or three Fox look-a-likes having sex while playing with Transformers toys with occasional cuts to large explosions.

I think the best use of Transformers 2 is to buy it on DVD when it goes cheap and watch it with your friends and mock it all the way through, laughing loudly. Me and a couple of friends recently had a huge amount of fun doing that with the Core, one of the worst pieces of shit masquerading as a scifi movie.

One of my geology professors puts up "Reviews of Bad Geology Movies" on his website.

He hates the Core.

I hate the Core.

The Core sucks.

But, there is one big redeeming value to movies that awful: You can get friends together and do a movie dub. Watch it without sound and divvy up parts and supply the dialogue yourself.

Akula · Post by **Akula** » Thu Jul 02, 2009 7:35 pm

The humor in transformers sucks, but the movie is funny. I couldn't keep a straight face through "In the beginning there was...the Cube." The only other things that was sort of interesting were the big expensive military toys that were showing up. There just weren't enough robots to carry the movie. I kept wondering why they had to parade the uninteresting and obnoxious humans all over the screen.

Maj · Post by **Maj** » Fri Jul 03, 2009 12:49 am

Prak Anima wrote:The point is that it entertained me, surprisingly, and I got to see it for free, so far.

It's amazing how entertainment value varies depending upon how much money you put in.

Parthenon · Post by **Parthenon** » Fri Jul 03, 2009 4:59 am

L/D mass has become a catchphrase for us to explain any bad science in films. And things like 'Its made out of electricity and magnetism. So its called electromagnetism' are laugh out loud stupid.

Although then it gets onto topics such as which had worse science: Armageddon, Deep Impact or Sunshine?

Crissa · Post by **Crissa** » Fri Jul 03, 2009 5:44 am

The only science that works in the entire Core movie is that you can use shock waves in a dense medium to amplify motion. The solution to the movie. Or maybe how the unobtanium shielding works.

-Crissa

Maxus · Post by **Maxus** » Fri Jul 03, 2009 7:27 am

http://www.usouthal.edu/geology/haywick/index.html

And, here we go...

http://www.usouthal.edu/geology/haywick ... movie.html

He's reviewed The Core and Armageddon.

Edit: Ye gods. He writes just like he speaks. I can hear his voice reading this. He can even vocalize quotation marks. Somehow.

Lago PARANOIA · Post by **Lago PARANOIA** » Mon Jul 06, 2009 2:54 am

You know, while Batman and Robin was by no means a good movie, it isn't even close to being the worst movie of all time.

I think that if the movie could fix one thing about itself, I would turn the camp way, way up. Until the point where it became parody. And most importantly, I would make this clear that this movie was extreme camp.

Hrm. Well, while that might make the movie watchable it would still be really hated.

Koumei · Post by **Koumei** » Mon Jul 06, 2009 5:00 am

Fans hate it when the movie about their interest says "This is really fucking lame, I can't believe you nerds are watching this. We're too cool for your hobby, so we'll make it sort of a parody."

See: just about every movie based on superheroes, the latest Star Trek.

Note that, as someone who considers fanboys to be in the top-10 annoying things, I just like this. It helps that they basically don't make movies out of things I liked - my favourite movies didn't start as comic books or whatever.

Lago PARANOIA · Post by **Lago PARANOIA** » Mon Jul 06, 2009 5:14 am

I don't think Goldman or Schumaucher were trying to say that the Batman movies sucked and you sucked for watching them. I think they thought that the TV series was funny and since Warner Bros. wanted them to make a more family-friendly Batman anyway they should just take the ball and run with it.

I don't think that Batman Forever was any worse in the characterization or plotting department, though notice how I left out dialogue and casting. I do think that the level of camp was turned up in the fourth movie just a small amount; unfortunately, the previous movie already had the camp/seriousness scale at a pre-tipping point so it kind of blew up in their faces.

Ludicrous amounts of over-acting? It was there in BF--though Jim Carrey made it work somehow and Kilmer's 'acting' kind of balanced it out. Tommy Lee Jones? O'Donnell? Not so much. Paper-thin characterization? Oh hell yeah, but again, Jim Carrey makes it work more than what the script gave him. Imagery that sent the heterosexual male viewers into a homophobic panic? Can you say bat-nipple suits? Corny one-liners? They were there, but again Jim Carrey. Ridiculous amounts of neon? Oh hell yeah.

So, how come Batman Forever fell off of the 'Hollywood trolled my fandom!' radar and Batman and Robin didn't?

Ganbare Gincun · Post by **Ganbare Gincun** » Mon Jul 06, 2009 6:55 am

Fuchs wrote:Most movie threads I read about TF2 just state "It's got Megan Fox" as the reason to watch the movie.

Megan Fox has a lovely enough face, but she needs to eat a sammich or two. But even then her presence would still not be sufficient to offset the sheer awfulness that is the Transformer movie franchise. You could pack the movie to the brim with sammich-fed Megan Foxes and it would still suck sweaty hobo scrotums.

PhoneLobster · Post by **PhoneLobster** » Mon Jul 06, 2009 6:56 am

I liked those trashy glitzy bat man movies more than I liked the two new ones.

The new ones are all "Oh we are so cool and gritty and realistic".

And I'm all like, "No you aren't, you are STILL driving an armored assault motorbike that just detached from a funky armored car and wearing a fucking BAT costume."

If they don't kill off another actor for the next movie and make sure it is very widely cross publicized with the movies release like they did with the last one I can't see the latest incarnation of the franchise lasting for long.

Sooner or later someone is going to realize it's still campy shit only now with added pretentions and the third or fourth movie will get all the harsh bagging the first two already so richly deserve.

You know sometimes I think sequels aren't worse, it just takes some viewers two or three sittings before the glaring flaws in a piece of fiction become obvious to them.